Sunday, 16 February 2014

Lowering cinema to new, shitty levels

Yes! It's the time of year you haven't been waiting for - the results of our annual, "crowdsourced" movie mashup. The huge viral response to our call-out was overwhelming, with almost 9 of you bothering to send something in. Here are the "best worst":  

The Fault in Your Star Wars
Young Luke Skywalker has feelings for fellow terminal patient Leia. But can he resolve his emotional issues with his father before the Empire vaporises the planet with an enormous photon beam?

Rain Man on a Wire
Brave remake of the 1988 classic, in which the stuttering Dustin Hoffman is placed on a tiny tripwire 1,300 feet above Manhattan to improve his self-confidence. With hilarious scenes of idiot savants plummeting to the asphalt in a scream-laden splat

Breaking Bad Santa  
Walter White is a high school drama teacher with months to live – until he realises he can earn millions by secretly dressing as Father Christmas to small groups of children at department stores.  But will the dark and dangerous world of childrens’ nativity performance catch up with him? 

Blue is the Warmest Colour of Money
Astonishing remake of the pool hustling classic, in which Paul Newman and Tom Cruise play 17 year old girls embarking on a lesbian relationship in a shadowy snooker hall filled with broke men. With copious scenes of sweaty, hairy thighs chafing on table felt 

Fight Club Tropicana
The Wham! boys strip off and get down to fisticuffs, organising a violent conspiracy of anarcho-terrorists on top of a luxury speedboat. Featuring mullets, tanned surfers and agit-prop attacks on late capitalism

Driving Miss Jay-Z
Sensitive remake of the 1989 classic, in which rapper Jay-Z dons lipstick and floral gown to play a frail elderly white woman gradually won over by her chauffeur. Featuring non-stop use of new single “F*** Dem Ho’s” by Ludacris throughout 

Nollywood remake of the Bogart classic in which the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans in a Congolese cybercafe

The Teen-Wolf of Wall Street
Young Jordan Belfort is a dashing banker on the rise – but can he stop shedding fur and savaging victims at cocktail parties?

Can YOU write as badly as this? If so send in more suggestions to!!!

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Me? Ignorant? Rubbish. I’ve read more crap Wikipedia articles than anybody I know

Ah, how wonderful life was before the internet! Remember that? When people read for hours every night, hid their heads away in Encyclopaedias,  and spent hours retreating into dusky, pensive silence; when the women came and went, talking of Michelangelo...

No, me either. It’s tempting to suggest that because knowledge was harder to access before Google, people valued it more, made more effort to get it. But that’s not true, is it? You didn’t write something down every time you didn’t know it and look it up later. Most of the time you just ended up just not knowing stuff. 

This was knowledge before Wikipedia:   

YOU. (In pub). Hornets...
            FRIEND. Yeah.
            YOU. They... Like, nest in trees, don’t they?

A pause. Friend sips pint.

            FRIEND. No... I think they nest in flowers and stuff. Or something.
            YOU. You sure? I thought it was in trees.

Further pause. Friend sips pint.

            FRIEND. No, it’s definitely in flowers. The petals... I think so, anyway.
            YOU. Oh, right.
            FRIEND. I’m pretty sure.
YOU. Are you sure?
            FRIEND. Positive. I think...

Friend sips pint.

 FRIEND. Actually, you should probably look it up, to be honest.
YOU. Yeah. I wish there was somewhere I could do that.
FRIEND. Hmm. Well, you could always look it up in an “encyclopaedia”.

Both laugh.

            YOU. Yeah, I could, couldn’t I...
            FRIEND. I think they have them in libraries and stuff.
            YOU. Do they?
            FRIEND. Yeah. I think so, anyway. Or maybe you’ve got a friend who knows about hornets and stuff.
            YOU. (Thinking about it). Hmm... I can’t really think of one.
            FRIEND. No hornet-knowledgeable friends?
            YOU. Not off the top of my head, to be honest. (Thinks about it again). Besides, it just doesn’t seem really worth it, does it.
FRIEND. How do you mean?
YOU. I mean, going to all that trouble... just to find out something about hornets.
            FRIEND (After a long pause while they consider this). Nah. Not really.

Friend sips pint.