Thursday, 2 May 2013

How to make yourself feel better about destroying the planet!

F**k it up and still feel good! 
  •          Buy a ‘Bag for Life’;
  •          Switch off a radiator;
  •          Buy some soap that must be good for the environment because it comes from a cool shop;
  •          If you’re Barack Obama, convince the populations of fragile, environmentally protected regions that what will really help is to plough a three hundred foot drill into the earth;
  •          Toy briefly with the idea of becoming vegetarian;
  •          If your company name has the word ‘Petroleum’ and 'British' in it, change the word ‘British’ to ‘Beyond’, because after all, people probably won't think about it very much;
  •          Decide that you haven’t the energy to become vegetarian, but you will start buying Free Range eggs;
  •          Switch to a different energy supplier because they have the word ‘sustainable’ on their website buried three screens down beneath a picture of a rainbow;
  •          If you’re a multinational oil company, redesign your website with a green colour scheme and lots of words like ‘green’ and so many references to things like ‘green’ energy that anyone would assume you were a start-up developing ‘green’ solar panels rather than a corporate behemoth shitting millions of barrels of oil into the gulf of Mexico;
  •          Start recycling;
  •          Move to a villagey type place filled with cottage industries who massage the guilt of middle class professionals by selling them artisan food and home-made crafts and allow them to indulge in the fantasy that they're living inside a fucking Thomas Hardy novel;
  •         Try to reuse peanut butter jars;
  •          If you’re David Cameron or George Osborn, ignore the criticism of what the Coalition has so far done to reduce carbon emissions (nothing, basically) or promote a move from nuclear to renewable energy (nothing, basically) or improve infrastructure for cyclists (nothing, basically) or nurture the green economy (nothing, basically) or sustain grants for people to insulate their homes (nothing, basically) or not decide to sell off large tracts of Britain’s forests (nothing, basically) or curb unnecessary car use or short haul flights (nothing, basically) or try to live up to the promise you once made to be the ‘greenest government ever’ – nothing, basically – as you cheerfully help us all to commit species suicide because it’s good for the economy;
  •          Watch a David Attenborough documentary about the ocean;
  •          Learn to enjoy your plasma TV, hot showers, Wi-Fi, short haul flights, phone, fridge, laptop, cars, hi-fi, and all the other million things that make massive demands on the earth’s exhausted resources and generally hasten the onset of eco-geddon while telling yourself you’re blameless because you installed a high efficiency lightbulb;
  •          Just learn to stop worrying about it.