How to land a job in the media with the least resort to sexual favours!

Media "networking"

 Here are the options available to the graduate seeking a role in the TV industry:

a) go to school with the producer;

b) go to school with the producer;

c) go to bed with the producer;

d) go to school and bed with the producer;

e) come from a family where your dad went to school with the producer;

f) come from a family where your mum went to school with the producer;

g) come from a family where your mum and dad both went to school or bed with the producer and his girlfriend, at different times;

h) mortgage your time, energy, youth and self respect ‘volunteering’ your services for virtual slave-labour photocopying, coffee making and surface wiping while your privileged shitbag employers treat you with the kind of respect a dog shows towards a lamp-post while all the time acting like you should be grateful for the privilege;

i) tell yourself you’re working on a “screenplay”;

j) print a flimsy business card with your number and email at the bottom and the words "Independent Producer" beside your name in a stylish font at the top; 

k) do an M.A. in Media Studies or something; 

l) start a Microsoft Word document entitled “Screenplay” which you stare at blankly in the few precious hours of your free time until the blood begins to seep from your eyeballs; 

m) cry; 

n) pay £25 to go to an unbelievably shitty media “networking” conference where every other person there is an opportunity-starved media graduate exactly like you;  

o) go to bed with the producer;

p) go to bed with the producer.